Definitely one thing I need to do is re-start the process of healing. I should've never attempted to jump into a sort-of-serious relationship only a few months after what happened. In case you missed it, Matt and I separated back in January. I usually try to avoid getting too personal on this blog because I hate letting people in. I hate feeling vulnerable. This post is going to release a lot of my personal feelings and let you guys in quite a bit. Richard and I recently ended our relationship because of all the ramblings inside my head. Keep reading if you want more details.
Anyway, it's not that I regret the relationship I was in with Richard, I just wish things could've been different - because it could've been so lovely and he's such a great guy and really knows how to treat a girl. But don't we all wish some things could be different sometimes? This time I can't change those things - I can't change things I don't realize are going on, I really thought I was ready and had found what I wanted and needed. But along came a point where I had to realize that I wasn't ready, I couldn't handle a relationship yet, I needed more time to heal. I need more time with myself, to figure out who I am and to focus on my life and not worry about meeting anyone else's standards or needs. It's selfish. Very selfish. But I believe I'm at a point where I need it and I'm not going to apologize for it. If I don't feel that my heart is 100% on something, I can't do it. I can't force happiness on myself or anyone else.
Wondering what my most recent perspective on relationships is? Well, right now...I really don't believe in them. I have this huge fear of commitment and all I can focus on is how soon the end is near (of the relationship, not the world). I can't see myself ever spending "forever" with someone and I'm constantly wondering if the human population is even really meant to be monogamous - and if we're not, what the heck is the point? Almost every couple I know isn't truly 100% happy with their relationship. Working to make things right is one thing, but how many couples actually do and succeed at it? The divorce rate in today's society is so incredibly high that it makes me laugh at how easy it is to get married. Why are we conditioned to think that once we "grow up" we are supposed to get married and have children? Maybe that's not for everyone. I now know, it's not right for me. Everyone keeps joking around saying that I'll get married again one day, but I can honestly say with zero doubt in my mind that I will never unite in matrimony every again. Believe.it.or.not.
Right now I plan on focusing on school and being independent. I am moving into my own apartment at the beginning of August. I've applied at several jobs and now just keeping my fingers crossed for a few interviews. I feel so motivated to live that independent lifestyle again that I can hardly stand it - for once in a long time, I'm getting things done.