Change for Thought

I can't live without change. I'm constantly moving, constantly rearranging, constantly looking for something to help me feel renewed. I am not a creature of habit, even though I'd often like to be. My daily routine isn't much of a routine at all. My days are always different and I do well with that. I don't like working a Monday-Friday 8-5 job because I get bored with it. I love my ever changing weekly work schedules. I do things on a whim and often make quick (sometimes irrational) decisions. If I take too long to think about something, I'll never do what I desired in the first place.

• Yesterday, San Francisco was calling my name and all I wanted was to move there. Of course, this isn't very realistic, but a girl can still dream...right?
• The longest I've ever stayed at the same job was a year.
• Today, I took my car to get an oil change and ran into my old Prius. I found myself missing it dearly, enough to consider trading my car back in for it and enough to talk to someone about doing so. Still on my mind.
• The last few weeks I was back and fourth with what to do about school. I finally settled on going to CVCC for the next year to get my Cosmetology license.
• The longest I've ever lived in the same house, other than my childhood home, is two years.

I've never really seen my constant desire for change to be a problem until it was really brought to my attention today. Am I ever going to settle down? Am I ever going to be happy staying in the same place for a long time? Probably not. I can't see myself buying a house, that means commitment to staying in the same area forever.

But this isn't just about where I live and what I do, it's about who I love. I can see how anyone would doubt a relationship with someone who always felt the need for change. I will honestly say that it has been an issue before. I get bored and move on. My track record won't lie about that one. I'm fortunate enough to be with someone who has kept my attention and who has stolen my heart. When he's not with me, I miss him and want him with me. I'm not attracted to anyone else but him. He's got my full attention even when he's not present. This amazes me. I don't doubt the potential our relationship has one bit. I want to have a family with him, one day. That is something that I definitely am committed to and do not expect or want to change at all.

Forever?

I feel like I'm always waiting on something to go wrong in relationships, which ultimately prevents anything good from possibly happening. Can relationships or "love", so to speak, last forever? I believe it's possible to settle and just be okay with staying with one person forever, but are we really satisfied throughout that entire lifetime? Is that what love is? 

I really want to believe that the feeling that you get in a new relationship can last. I love that feeling. The excitement, the happiness, the love. I have that right now. That new feeling. I want it to last but as all past relationships have proven, it's probably not going to. Maybe this one is different. It sure feels like it. I've never been an optimist, but maybe I should throw in the towel and side with those guys this time. I'm still too fearful to allow myself to be so vulnerable to disappointment but maybe I'll give it a try and become vulnerable.

For right now, I'm happy with what I have. Hopefully that will never change and one day I'll look back at this with that light bulb above my head and wonder why I ever thought love couldn't last.